How to heal from a relationship injury?

How to heal from a relationship injury?

Relationship injuries can be something different for each of us. For some it is a sense of being abandoned in a difficult moment; or, it could be a feeling of being belittled, devalued by a partner, or even scared of a partner who you wished to see as your safe harbour.

Afterwards, spouses may describe the moment of a relationship injury as if an era ended: they told themselves not to trust their partners ever again, not to depend on them, not to care about them. The result is often a sense of disconnection, which partners try to remedy with nice gestures. But the real way to heal the emotional disconnection that comes through relationship injury is to face it, explore it with all the empathy and genuine interest you can muster, so you can heal it together.

                                            

Willingness to listen with an open heart

The first step is to ask and listen with a willingness to accept what your partner has to say about the event that created the emotional injury. To start the conversation, choose a time when both of you can be undisturbed. It can start with a question like this: “Can you tell me what was so important to you about that event? I want to understand. It keeps popping up in our conversations, and I never really understood what this situation meant to you?”

Show that you get your partner's hurt

When your partner is talking, what matters is that you show them that you are getting their pain. If you love each other, this comes naturally: it hurts to see your partner hurting because of what you did. Only when you realise how your action hurt your partner,  can they let go of the pain and start feeling safe with you again.

This will lead your partner towards opening up even more, so they can entrust to you all the depth of their grief, pain or loneliness they experienced in the moment of injury. Maybe this is the time when they will say: “I decided never to trust you again because it hurt so much to be betrayed.” Or: “I thought I will never want to depend on you again, anything  to not go through this awful feeling of being left all by myself.”

The more you can show your partner that their pain has an impact on you and that you understand where they are coming from, the more restorative this conversation will be for both of you. Depending on the nature of the injury, your partner may need to go through it with you quite a few times.

#Utsaah Psychology Clinic

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